I was mad at God
Some people may be able to relate to this post because believe it or not, at some point in your life you’ve probably been there too. We never want to say it aloud in fear that a lightning bolt will strike us down just by THINKING about being mad at God.
I, like I’ve said in the past, have gone through hell with boyfriends. I’ve also had a hard time in school and have lost 3 people close to me in the past 2 years. I had a right to be angry and upset with life. Or so I thought.
Last semester, I got my first F on a college test at Auburn and I remember seeing that F thinking “you’re a failure.” I ‘d ask myself everyday “why didn’t God make me like everyone else?! Why didn’t he make me smart and able to understand everything like everyone else? I’m so stupid. I can’t even pass an easy class”. I got upset with him. Because I knew he had the power to make me understand. He had the ability to make me like everyone else. So why did he like seeing me upset and seeing my pain and frustration? He knew I needed a good grade in the class. I prayed for one every day! Was he listening to me pray? Did he care?
Rewinding a little bit. As you may know I was physically abused at the age of 15 by a boyfriend. An abusive relationship is the worst possible thing you can go through. Especially at a young age. My abuser would hit me, made me believe that I was worthless, and would tell me God wouldn’t help me. I begged God every single night to save me from him. To take me away from all this and let me start over. To please send me a saving grace…But he didn’t. He let the boy hurt me and let him tell me things I knew weren’t true. I needed God. I was surrounded in darkness and needed that light! I asked and prayed for a sign that everything would be okay. I never got a sign. Was he not listening to me? Did he hear me? Does he even care?
Fast forward some. Both sides of my grandparents got very very sick. My grandmother passed way last May, my Nanny passed over summer, and my granddaddy passed 2 months after her. I asked him to heal them. To give them a couple more years and to keep them here with me on earth. I begged him to let them see me get married, to have them watch me get my college diploma and to see my first child being born. I wanted them there for my HUGE milestones. But they all passed within 2 years of each other. Was God punishing me? Why did he ignore my prayers? Did he not want to see me happy or care about what I WANTED? Did he hear me? Did he even care?
At the time, I didn’t know why God took my grandparents away from me, when he could have healed them. I didn’t understand why I was being abused when he had the power to stop it. I couldn’t understand why I failed the class when I prayed for an A.
In the Bible, it says that God is not Fair but He is Just. He has a purpose for your pain and is working through it. Just when you feel like giving up, God shows you why he didn’t answer your prayers at that time. He’s always present in your pain. God understands what pain is. He sacrificed HIS PERFECT SON so we could live without sin. Can you imagine giving up your child to save someone else? Someone who has done nothing but sin? That’s how powerful his love is for us.
I didn’t pass that test because God wanted to show me that sometimes you fail but you can succeed even more. After failing I told myself I would never let a LETTER define me and who I was going to be. I wasn’t a failure, God just needed me to understand that I can’t always have my way. He answered my prayers to open a store and let me become very successful with my blogging. I look back and see what his purpose was. He wanted me to figure it out on my own. To become stronger than what the enemy was telling me. I’m sorry God. You did care, but you wanted my faith to shine though the dark.
I was abused because God wanted me to save his sons and daughters from abusive situations. He used me as an example for others. I went through a year of pain so I could talk to his sons and daughters about my story and how to survive the aftermath of abuse. He let me go through pain so I could be the strong woman I am today. He hated seeing me hurt. He hated seeing me cry and scared. But He knew. He knew something great would come out of it. He gave me a purpose, and I now see..
Lastly, I still am upset about my grandparents passing. It’s hard. I’m human and losing someone is rough. But I see how selfish I was. I wanted my grandparents on the earth with me instead of in paradise with God. They were all sick and in pain. If God had answered my prayers to keep them here with me than my husband would have seen them hurting in the pews at my wedding as I walked down the alter, I would have seen them in pain trying to get through 500 names at my college graduation, and the first thing my child would have seen was them struggling to hold on. That’s never how I want remember them. I’ll always remember them smiling, laughing, and showing everyone they meet love. When people are at the point in their life when they are ready to let go and be with God, it’s hard to not be selfish and wish for them to stay. But I know that even though I can’t physically see them I have so many signs that they are with me. Seeing or hearing John 3:16, I know my grandma Sandra is with me. Hearing “West Virginia, Mt. Momma take me home country road” I know my Nanny and Granddaddy are there. Its happened in huge milestones in my life. When I started my store, a commercial came on in the background and West Virginia Mt Momma started to play. Nanny and Grandaddy were proud of me. I’ve been gone from church for a while now and recently something inside me said I needed to watch today’s service. I logged on and began to listen. I knew I needed to be there because I’ve had my own doubts about God’s love and then at the end of the service the pastor prayed John 3:16. Grandma Sandra knew I needed that and she was right there with me.
There is so much we don’t understand about why we don’t have an “on-demand” God and we don’t have to. God understands why everything happens. While you’re upset about today he’s already thinking about what good to give you tomorrow. Understand that HE IS LISTENING, HE DOES CARE. God does not exist for us; WE exist for HIM!
So why the title may confuse you, know that I am human. I get upset sometimes when I don’t get my way. We live in a time where we want everything now and we will blame someone else for not getting it. I blamed God because I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t help. I don’t have to always feel God or understand His reasoning. But I do understand that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and that God will always be with me. Because he has been since Day 1.
About my abuse: Why I Forgave my Abusive Ex Boyfriend.
My Anxiety: ….anxiety
My high school sweetheart: Why I’m Glad Things With My High School Sweetheart Didn’t Workout
Tips for nursing students girlfriends: A Girlfriend/Boyfriend’s guide to Nursing School